Now Hear This, Dogs!

From page 174 – November, 2010

by Chris Robinson

This is the Captain speaking. With the winter holidays nearly upon us, it has been brought to my attention by the Command Master Chief of the Household that certain liberties were taken by the canine crew of this command during the last holiday season that shall not happen again this year. Henceforth, the following actions and activities will be expressly forbidden.

1. The UPS man, the FedEx man and the postman do not come here with mischief on their agenda. They are delivering items the Captain wants and needs for the upcoming holidays. Therefore, you will immediately cease barking, growling, and generally threatening delivery personnel with bodily harm and mayhem.

2. The Captain and other non-canine members of this command will also be bringing home large bags and packages. DO NOT assume that the contents of said bags and packages are for you. These contain items that are wanted and needed during the upcoming holidays and may, indeed, be harmful to your health if you consume them or are caught trying to consume them.

3. When the Captain reads “A Visit From St. Nicholas” to the youngest members of this command, you will refrain from sitting next to the smallest and treating him/her as your personal sugarplum. While he/she may have remnants of Christmas Pudding remaining about his/her mouth, neither he/she nor his/her mother appreciate the use of your tongue as a washcloth.

4. The Captain will be bringing a large tree into the house. This will be set up in the living room and covered with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important part of the holiday celebration for the people in this command. Therefore, you will not debase this important holiday symbol by using it as a personal toilet area, no matter how many fascinating scents it may harbor, and this prohibition encompasses that period when the tree is stored in any of this installation’s outbuildings prior to its actual entry into the living room. You will also refrain from drinking the water in the container that holds said holiday symbol.

5. The colored balls around the bottom of the tree have been put there as decorations. They are not toys which have been placed within reach for your personal entertainment. They are to remain where they have been hung. They are not to be batted off their tree positions by paws or tails and then madly pursued across the living room floor, beneath the coffee table or behind the sofa and chairs. You will also watch your tail when near the tree and you will not, under any circumstances, engage in races or other wildly enthusiastic displays with the other members of the canine crew in the vicinity of the tree lest your boisterous actions cause the tree to fall over. In which case you will incur the full wrath of the Captain and the Command Master Chief.

6. The packages beneath said tree are to remain undisturbed until permission is granted to explore their contents. You will refrain from ripping them open prior to the granting of this permission even if these packages harbor interesting and drool-inducing smells.

7. You will not use the cord that runs from the tree to the wall as a toothpick. Chewing on said cord when the tree is illuminated may result in severe burns or even death.

8. The contents of the covered candy dishes on the coffee table are completely off limits. Not only are these contents deemed unsuitable for dogs by medical authorities but they have also been known to produce digestive difficulties which are usually culminated by your seeking out the cleanest carpet in the house as a depository for the results of said digestive difficulties. The garbage can with its load of turkey bones and other discarded food items is also off limits. It is ordered that you will confine your intake to what is placed in your food dish or offered to you from the Captain’s or the CMC’s hand and only what is placed in your food dish or offered to you from the Captain’s or the CMC’s hand.

9. The holiday season is frequently marked by parties. This means there will be strangers in the house during this period. You will not smother said guests with kisses nor will you spend the major portion of the time that guests are present leaning on them demanding that you be petted. You will not eat off the buffet table OR the coffee table. You will maintain a pleasant attitude even if these guests are sitting on your sofa or occupying your favorite chair. You will not sit in front of them and stare at them while curling your lips. You will also not drink from glasses left unattended but within your reach.

10. You will immediately cease turning the living room, the dining room, the kitchen or any other room occupied by guests into the equivalent of a CS gas chamber by venting toxic gastrointestinal fumes. Not only does this cause guests to begin searching beneath chairs for gas masks but on occasion has caused at least as much gagging, coughing, retching and eye-watering as seen in recruits exiting gas training at Marine Corps Recruitment Depot San Diego.

11. Only dogs small enough to stand up below the coffee table without disturbing holiday decorations topside on said table will be allowed to sleep beneath it. While on the subject of furniture, it appears necessary to issue the reminder that the upholstery on the couch and the chairs in the living room is not, repeat not, a napkin. This reminder also applies to the Captain’s trousers or the trousers, skirts or shirts of the Captain’s guests. Therefore, wiping your lips on any of these following meals is strictly prohibited.

12. The inside of the house and the yard are not located in a combat zone. There is no need for a point dog in non-combat areas. This means protocol dictates that the Captain or the CMC shall proceed through doorways first followed by the dogs. Dogs will immediately stop doing their imitations of Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy going through doorways particularly when said doorway is already occupied by the Captain or the CMC carrying an armload of packages. Also, pushing the Captain out of your way during these package-carrying duties is prohibited. You are welcome to try it with the CMC but you are on your own. Be advised that punishment meted out by the CMC is almost always more harsh and immediate than anything the Captain will assign at mast. Instead, in these named instances, you will proceed two paces to the rear and to the left.

13. The holiday season is frequently marked by snow in the northern tier states. This means you will shake snow from your coat before you enter the house. You are also reminded that trees tend to snap and crack at night during very cold weather. These snaps and cracks are not the result of hostile action, are the normal response for trees to frigid temperatures and therefore are not cause for you to sound the call for general quarters and battle stations when you hear these snaps and cracks. This prohibition is especially in force during the period from 0100 to 0700 hrs.

14. Christmas holidays frequently dictate a change in uniform to something more in keeping with the season than your regular leather collar. You will not create a fuss if the Captain or the Command Master Chief of the House chooses to hang a festive bow from your collar for the annual Christmas family photo.

15. The Captain may be bringing new and strange plants into the house during the holiday season. You will refrain from eating, chewing or otherwise nibbling on said plants or parts of said plants.

16. A lively and quick man with a broad face and a round little belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly sporting a white beard and a red, ermine-lined coat and hat may exit the fireplace sometime during the night during the height of the Christmas celebration. He will have the stump of a pipe held tight in his teeth and smoke will encircle his head like a wreath. While this is in violation of smoking regulations which state that the smoking lamp will not be lit between 000 and 0700 hrs, you will ignore this infraction. He’ll have a bundle on his back which he’ll set down on the floor. While he may look like a common peddler opening his pack and thus be someone who needs to be chased away, you will refrain from so doing. He’ll speak not a word but go straight to his work which entails filling the stockings previously hung by the fireplace with care by the younger members of the crew. You will not bark at said person nor will you, under any circumstances, BITE HIM.

Any dog engaging in these banned activities during the upcoming holidays will be punished by loss of liberty cards and/or confinement to quarters. That is all.

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Posted by admin on Dec 15 2010. Filed under Current Articles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.