Processing the Rain of Conflict

By Debra Vey Voda-Hamilton, Esq./Mediator
Hamilton Law and Mediation

How we interpret difficult events or conversations dictates the impact on our response to them. Will we flow peacefully or swirl in conflict? One old adage states, “Into each life a little rain must fall.” Rain happens; it waters the flowers and floods inhabited areas. How we react makes all the difference in the world. If the rain involves a difficult situation or conversation, you may need to bring a very big umbrella. Or you can choose to think about employing these three steps the next time you are faced with the rain of conflict to assist you in peacefully processing the event or conversation. Difficult events and conversations happen. You can choose how to handle them. These three steps will give you a platform and process which will help you leave the umbrella home.

First, look at the event or comment in a more global way. If you are sure a comment was meant as a personal attack, try to let that feeling go. Letting go serves two purposes. You don’t allow someone’s comment to ruin your day and you may be able to interpret the information in a positive way. Addressing a statement as if it were meant for the greater good takes you out of the bulls-eye. By shifting how you hear a statement, you will be in a better position to hear its value.

Second, listen carefully before you speak. When you do speak, reflect back what you heard first to assure you understood the speaker clearly and correctly. This reflection requires a two-step inquiry. First, you are looking to enhance your understanding of what someone said/meant. When you reflect back on what they said, take a breath. You will get greater clarity and skip the alltoo-often-incorrect intuitive assumption of what was meant. Second, the speaker gets to hear how their words were received. They can choose to amend their language if it was received too harshly. Both of these secondary steps allow parties in conversations the opportunity to clarify what they heard and said. It helps them alter perceptions/language if what they heard/said did not have the intended effect. An example of a reflected statement gone array might be “I really want you to go away”; is this a rebuke because you bother me or a request for you to take a vacation? Without further query, the speaker may be rebuked by the listener or the listener may go away mad unbeknownst to the speaker.

Third, choose to engage. If you do, there is less likelihood things will fester and grow. People often choose to ignore step three in the hopes of keeping the peace. Yet, as can be seen from the example above, the intended result could be confusing.

It is easy to become offended and shut down the process of addressing a disagreement or conflict. By employing steps 1 and 2 to facilitate step 3 you can maintain sunny weather in your relationship with others more often. Looking at things more globally also helps us take things less personally. Listen first and reflect back to the speaker what you heard for accuracy. Then, engage in a solution-oriented conversation. Don’t assume you know what was meant.

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Posted by Alex on Jul 25 2016. Filed under Current Articles, Featured. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.