Regulations – If You’re a Puppy, Listen up!

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178 – November/December, 2014

By Chris Robinson

Sometime in the next few days, an eight-week-old Chesapeake pup will move into my house. Named Bo, for Pro Bono, because if there is ever a project undertaken voluntarily and without charge, it’s a puppy. Whether he’ll be welcome or not in my canine society depends upon whether the two dogs already in residence think it’s nice to have someone to boss around. Although they are litter sisters, they can’t stand the sight of each other and thus have never settled the issue of who is boss and who is bossee. Well, actually, that’s not entirely true. The issue of who is boss was settled long ago as I am the CEO, COO and CFO which means I hold all three positions of power. In other words, I’m the commanding officer. What remains undetermined is who will be the straw boss or the executive officer—the number two.

The dogs will eventually have to sort out the canine hierarchy, preferably in some way that doesn’t involve an expensive trip to the veterinarian. But, in my position as commanding officer, I set the regulations. While I’m a pretty easy mark where puppies are concerned, there are some rules that WILL be followed. So listen up, Bo. On second thought, in order that there’s no misunderstanding, I’ll put the regulations in writing since your breeder has assured me that you are so smart that I expect you either can already read or will be able to do so soon.

Article 0101. The command “Leave it” does not mean you should clamp down on whatever you have in your mouth or commence a game of keep away. Upon hearing this command you will immediately willingly relinquish whatever object you are holding be it dummy, duck, goose, pheasant, quail or even tennis ball. It is no longer your “trophy.” Once that command is issued, it belongs to me. If the command must be repeated with the word “Dammit” added, you will not, under any circumstances, take that as granting permission for you to growl or bite down harder on the object nor does it allow you to turn your head and body away so no one can get a hand on whatever article you are holding.

Article 0102. Hiding my boots, sneakers, or dress shoes beneath a pile of your playthings does not make that footwear a toy. It is also a rule that hiding anything under your chin and paws does not automatically transfer ownership of that object to you. What’s more, hiding boots, sneakers or dress shoes anywhere is not permitted. While you may think that I could use the additional exercise, your assessment of my fitness may not agree with mine and, as is the case in any absolute monarchy, it’s my view that counts. I do not enjoy the additional exertion required to find these objects especially since the infirmities of age are starting to make their presence felt.

Article 0103. The vacuum cleaner and the lawn sprinkler are not your enemies and neither is planning an attack. The same can be said for the lawn mower. Growling or biting at any of these three implements will likely result in the wrath of the commanding officer or the housekeeper, or both, descending upon you. Attacking the sprinkler will also cause you to get very wet and since you have an oily coat which virtually always becomes odoriferous when wet, you can expect banishment to the kennel or the dog yard until you are dry and the wet dog aroma has vanished.

Article 0104. You will not sample anything contained in any of the following types of glassware: Highball, rocks, old fashioned, cocktail, snifter, cordial, wine, flute, pilsner or Irish coffee mug even though you may consider it rude to not at least taste the contents of such glassware. The content of any glass or cup that is yellow, red, blue or brown in color or that sparkles is also off-limits for dogs. This prohibition also extends to the glass-covered candy dish on the coffee table. You may not knock that cover aside and eat the chocolate truffles beneath that cover.

Article 0105. The treat box is not a self-feeder. Its contents are only for those occasions when you have done something to merit more than a pat on the head and an “attaboy” from the commanding officer. An item from the treat box is for those times when you have earned nothing less than a “Bravo Zulu” from the CO. You are not to view the contents of the box as an important part of your daily diet. (Ed. Note: For those readers who are not former sailors or “coasties,” the words bravo zulu translate in common English usage to “Well done.”)

Article 0106. While the commanding officer understands that you are hard-wired to retrieve, there are certain things that you may not fetch. At the top of this list of prohibited items are such things as dirty socks and skivvies, especially when there are guests in the house, and days-old roadkill or roadkill of any vintage, for that matter. You will also not earn any praise points for retrieving grungy, slimy old sticks, dead birds or mice in traps, the latter being a great favorite of one of your predecessors. Absolutely off-limits for retrieving are skunks or porcupines, dead or alive, and no matter how strong the temptation or the provocation, you will not retrieve dogs from the toy group at dog events. This last prohibition is included because a number of years ago a Chihuahua foolishly attacked one of your ancestors during the long sit in the obedience ring and not knowing what else to do with the pesky little dude, your great-great-great-great grandfather simply picked up the Chihuahua and gently held him until he was told, “Leave it.” Other than being slightly slick from Chesapeake spit, the Chihuahua was completely unharmed although thoroughly chastened. Nevertheless, the American Kennel Club, to say nothing of toy owners, takes a very dim view of such disciplinary action.

Article 0107. While on the topic of skunks and porcupines in these regulations, you are absolutely forbidden to irritate, vex, annoy, bother, disturb, rankle or harass these critters since one uses a particularly malodorous compound akin to CS (tear) gas to punish anything that offends it and the other defends its territory with hundreds of needle-sharp, tiny lances. Badgering a skunk will result in numerous baths in odor-eating compounds followed by an indeterminate sentence in a 20-foot by 4-foot cell with sleeping quarters far more primitive than the several inches of memory foam atop either your bed or the bed of the commanding officer, your preferred sleeping places. You will be required to be confined in such a facility until such time as water hitting your coat does not immediately revive the memory of the skunk. If you disobey the prohibition against irritating, vexing, bothering, disturbing, rankling, etc., etc., a porcupine, the likely result will be a trip to the veterinarian at a cost which will create a sharp reduction in the number of new toys and tasty treats available for your use and pleasure.

Article 0108. The commanding officer recognizes your right to defend your territory. But, you are reminded that your territory ends at the edges of the legal description for the farm and that does not extend to Point Barrow in Alaska on the north and the Yucatan Peninsula on the south, Labrador to the east or the Aleutian Islands to the west. In other words, your territory does not encompass the entire North American continent. When outside your legally defined territory, you will be polite to strange people or dogs including other hunters and their dogs, dog show or field event judges along with people and their dogs at such events and the veterinarian. It should be noted, however, that the need for good manners does not extend to feral cats encountered while hunting with the commanding officer. You may interact with them in the most efficient and effective way possible.

Article 0109. Rolling in the festering remains of any animal is strictly prohibited. This includes fish in any state of decay that you may encounter along shorelines. Disobeying this regulation will result in the same penalties as a skunk encounter. (See Article 0107)

Article 0110. The commanding officer does not rake leaves into piles for you to jump into and re-scatter all over the yard. That means leaf piles are off-limits to dogs as is the area of the yard called the flower bed. Although you may see the commanding officer digging holes in the flower bed, that does not mean that the area is now open for digging by dogs. Quite the contrary, in fact. One other prohibition regarding the flower bed. It is NOT a head, latrine, loo, toilet, lavatory, water closet or even a cat hole and you will confine activities appropriate to these facilities to other portions of the yard, preferably in the tall grass well away from the house.

Article 0111. You will not view a pile of towels in the laundry basket fresh from the dryer as an appropriate place for a nap. This will be treated as an unauthorized use of both the towels and the laundry basket and will result in punishment ranging all the way from non-judicial in the form of sharp words to that authorized by court consisting of both the CO and the housekeeper, the severity of which will be determined by how muddy you were when you climbed onto the clean towels.

Article 0112. The commanding officer is well aware that you view human food as vastly superior to the premium ration you eat on a daily basis even though the cost of that food exceeds that of Maine lobster in the off-season. The CO is also quite willing to prepare slightly more food than is needed for most meals and place some of the surplus atop the dog food in your dish. However, you are not to consume the CO’s entire dinner when that individual has to take a phone call at mealtime. If you should commit this offense, you will not only be subjected to loud and quite possibly very salty language but there also exists a definite possibility of corporal punishment.

In summary, it is the duty of the commanding officer to exercise leadership through judicious attention to the welfare of dogs under their control or supervision. Such leadership shall be exercised in order to achieve a positive, dominant influence on the dogs in the house and its environs. Dogs in the house and its environs are subject to the orders of the commanding officer and obedience to those orders is mandatory. That is all.

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