Top Secret – A Dog’s Handbook to Human Interaction

By Chris Robinson

Security, are the doors locked, the area swept for listening devices and a guard on every exit? All secure? All right then, at ease. Be seated and we can begin this briefing. My name is Bo and I am your briefing officer. The information that will be presented here today is top secret–for dogs’ ears only–and it’s imperative that nothing you hear today leaks to the people who think they own us. The topic of this briefing is “The Dog’s Handbook” which will be discussed point-by point. Please hold all questions until the briefing has concluded.

“The Dog’s Handbook” consists of two parts: Your duties and obligations to people and their duties and obligations to the dog. Let’s begin with the your duties and obligations. It’s imperative that you keep in mind that people often aren’t too smart and they need a lot of coaching. What’s more, they are often seriously impaired when required to understand what we dogs are telling them. So you have to be very patient with them and be prepared to repeat the lessons over and over until they finally grasp what you are trying to teach them.

Okay. Let’s begin with the section headed “Dog’s duties and obligations.”

• You’ll have to teach them “let me out” and “feed me.” Those two commands are of primary importance. “Get out of my chair” or “Stay off my couch” will have to wait until later once they’ve grasped some of the nuances of dog communication. Once they are ready for these lessons, it is important not to get belligerent about your right to either the couch or the chair. Subtlety is the best policy. The easiest way to get this point across is simply to beat them to the chair or the couch and take possession of it by sprawling out so there’s no room for anyone but you. Failing that, it is always effective to jump up into the chair or onto the couch and simply push and lean on them until they get up and move.

• You are the department of home security. It is your job to guard the house against all enemies–the garbage man, the mailman, the UPS/FedEx guy, the meter reader and anyone else who has the temerity to ring the doorbell, knock on the door or even enter the yard. You have to impress upon people that they can absolutely trust you to be on sentry duty at all times and you will ensure that the house and its contents, human or otherwise, remain safe.

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Posted by Alex on Mar 25 2021. Filed under Current Articles, Featured. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.